


The Kelpie

by TheGeniusCallsYou



Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Universe
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Child's Death Mentioned, Did I Mention Angst?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Rush had better days, Rush punching things, Young and Rush finally talk, past child abuse mentioned, post s02e15 Seizure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22734898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGeniusCallsYou/pseuds/TheGeniusCallsYou
Summary: Every mistake he had made, every secret he had kept, all of this was slowly and deliberately crushing him. He was a boy who had touched the kelpie and been carried into the depths, not realising that it was too late now to cut off his fingers as he already had drowned.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

Since the moment they had gotten here to now, the ship had always been cold. There was a reason why most of its current inhabitants had been wearing multiple layers if they only had any. Those who weren't so lucky had to learn how to get by with the persistent chill. Maybe the Ancients had lower body temperature than humans, or maybe it was just because Destiny was old, nobody knew, and nobody could do anything about it, even Rush.  
The cold had never bothered him before. He had spent countless nights working outdoors, while it was pouring with rain and cold as hell so he could have something to eat as a kid. His father couldn't have cared less of what had happened to him, not since mother's death. So he had worked his ass off for as long as he could remember and he had learnt how to ignore the cold, hunger, pain and humiliation. For all those years he was used to being picked upon by others. Because he was small, thin and poor. Because he didn't have a mother and his father was a drunkard, who liked to thrash him around. Because whenever he could, he had studied so he could escape that shithole. And he had managed just that, with flying colours. It didn't change the fact that he was now cold as never before and he couldn't tell why. Well, he knew, but as long as he didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't be real. Or more real, than it already had been.

He tightened his hold on the metal railing and took a deep breath. He could feel the cold slowly seeping through his entire body and shivered. It had been a week since Lt. Johansen let him out of the infirmary but he still felt terrible. He made sure to act as if nothing had happened, snapping at others and working himself to the ground. Outside he was fine, but inside, with every passing day, he was screaming while his heart was tearing apart. 

He knew now he shouldn't have sitten in the chair, but the temptation of being with Mandy, even for once, had been too great to resist. As much as he would like to deny it, in the end, Nicholas Rush was just as human as anybody else. He wasn't an emotionless machine as some thought, oh how he would love to be but couldn't. Especially now. He was tired of being the ship's villain, being accused of not feeling anything and blamed for every mishap. Every time he had let somebody in and let himself care again, it ended just the same and he was sick of losing people he cared about, of hurting time and time again. 

Rush doubled over the railing feeling nauseous. He was hot and cold at the same time, his body was shivering, but his hands were wet with sweat. He felt as if he was underwater for a very long time, his breathing heavy as if he was drowning, something wet was stinging his eyes. He couldn't remember when had been the last time he ate nor slept. Everywhere he went, he could see people hitting him, kicking, pushing and laughing. There were Eli's hurt eyes, Cloe's disgust, Colonel's rage, Gloria's sad smile and Mandi's broken heart. Every mistake he had made, every secret he had kept, all of this was slowly and deliberately crushing him. He was a boy who had touched the kelpie and been carried into the depths, not realising that it was too late now to cut off his fingers as he already had drowned.

Teardrop after teardrop started falling on his clenched hands. He screwed his eyes shut to stop them to no avail. It didn't work and an unwanted sob escaped from his mouth. It was quiet at first but then it grew louder and louder. Soon his arms were shaking and he was howling like a wounded animal. He punched the railing once, twice but couldn't feel the pain. Physical pain was nothing compared to what he was feeling inside. So he struck again and again. For every misstep he had made, every hurt, he had caused and suffered, he punched, kicked and screamed. He knew he looked pathetic, but it only made him lash out more. Tears mixed with blood were falling on the floor, and suddenly he followed them, crushing in a heap. 

He sat there, head resting on the railing with no tears left to cry, shivering from the cold that didn't come from the ship but from deep within him. He was just so fucking tired. Slowly he lifted his abused arms and hugged himself, lying on his side. He tried to visualise that it was Mandi holding him, but couldn't. It wasn't real, none of it. That touch was a simulation. Maybe that's why it hadn't worked, he thought with a pung of guilt, because he didn't believe in it enough. He realised that the last time somebody hugged him or touched him in a comforting manner, was when Gloria was alive. He wanted to sob more, but there were no more tears left. There was only this hollow feeling in the place where his heart once was. Grief and blame had eaten it like they were a black hole. Very feating, considering he ended in space on a ship full of other people yet so alone. 

He hugged himself tighter and curled on the cold, metal floor. He would give anything to hold his wife in his arms one last time and even more to be held by her. He fell asleep still shivering. In the end, Nicholas Rush was only human. 

*****

Colonel Young didn't know what had woken him up. He remembered dreaming about a young girl with his eyes and TJ's hair and then waking up with his cheeks wet from tears. Sometimes he still dreamed about her and things that could have been. TJ had named her Carmen. She would have inherited everything good from her mother and hopefully nothing from him. She would have smiled and laughed while being spun around in his arms. He would have given her the world he was sure about that. If only he had made the right choice. 

His leg was killing him as he made his way through the corridors. It was good to feel this pain. It helped him to focus and move forward, not thinking about the girl with blond hair and brown eyes. He didn't really know where he was going. The destination wasn't important he just needed to get away. If he had stayed in his quarters, he would probably think about drinking again. Nobody needed him drunk again, that is if they needed him at all. Sometimes he wondered how it would have been if he let Rush and others be in charge or at least Scott. He didn't believe for a second, that Destiny stopped the simulations because he decided to man the hell up. No, it had had to be Rush. He didn't need the confession from the man to know that he had done something. Young shook his head as he limped, getting closer to the observation deck. He had thought that they had put hiding secrets behind them and then Rush had gone and done that stunt with the chair again. He needed to have a long talk with the man.  
He would have gone past the observation deck if it wasn't for some impulse to stop and look. It took him a moment to spot someone lying on the floor and even longer to realise who it was. He could feel the hair standing on his nape as he quickly approached the fallen figure. 

Rush was lying curled on his side, shivering with his hands wrapped around himself. His hair obscured his face, but Young could tell he was either unconscious or sleeping. There were blood splatters on the floor and the railing but there were no signs of attack on the other man. Young knelt and shook him by the shoulder. 

"Rush! Rush can you hear me?" 

There was no response. What did the hell happen? Young furrowed his brow. He had seen the man just a couple of hours ago and he seemed fine. Exhausted but otherwise not worse to wear, so what had happened between then and now? 

"Rush!" He tried again but with the same result.

He reached for his radio to call TJ but something had stopped him. He moved the smaller man just a little bit and in doing so, freed one of his arms. His heart missed a bit upon seeing the bloody mess that was the man's hand. He moved his gaze to the railing and back again, slowly connecting the dots. 

"You did this to yourself, didn't you?" He didn't expect an answer and didn't get any. He bet the other hand looked just the same.

He knew he should have called TJ, Rush was hurt and could have broken bones for all he knew. Instead, Young removed his jacket and draped it over the shivering man. 

Young remembered the animalistic scream that could have been heard down the corridor after doctor Perry's death. Rush had gone after Simeon with one pistol and had killed him without blinking. There was a time Young had wondered if Rush felt any emotions at all, but after that day he had known he couldn't have been more mistaken. Nicholas Rush was full of emotions he just buttled them up and pretended not to care. Now, it seemed the man had found himself at the end of his rope. 

Young sighed and lowered himself to sit next to the scientist. He looked up at the bloodied railing and felt his chest tightening up. In a flash, he saw Rush's wounded and unconscious body as he had left him on that planet for dead. Then there was Reily's petrified and pleading eyes, TJ's heartbroken face and Scott's disappointed stare. He shook his head and looked back at the man buried beneath his uniform jacket, wondering how both of them could be such a mess. Young closed his eyes and waited for the other man to wake up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry for the long wait, here it is at last!

Waking up after what he would later acknowledge as one big mental fuckup, had to be one of the worst feelings in Rush's life. The first sense that had come back was sound. Or more accurately, a constant buzz in his ears, that was making him disoriented and nauseous, and wouldn't go away. His head felt fuzzy like someone had put cobwebs all over his mind. The worst thing was, he couldn't remember the cause of why he was in this state in the first place.

Rush hated not knowing. 

Opening his eyes seemed to be almost impossible at the moment, but he put his scrambled mind to it with dedication compared to solving math problems. He managed to blink once, then twice. His vision was so blurry he couldn't make anything out of his surroundings. On top of that, his head was pounding so hard it made him groan aloud.

He was lying on his side, that much he could tell, and the surface he was resting on was cold underneath his cheek. The deck, then. But where, and most importantly, why?

He tried to shift a little from the awkward and stiff position he was in, still not managing to see clearly, finding it more difficult than he originally had thought. He groaned again and shifted his arms to push himself up. That was a mistake. No sooner had he planted his hands on the deck than he was engulfed by pain big enough to make his arms buckle. A gasp escaped his lips, and he would have fallen back down if somebody didn't catch him.

What happened next wasn't by mile logical, but he couldn't have helped it. His whole body tensed up, and his heart started beating wildly in his chest, trying to escape as panic seized him.

He was supposed to be alone. But there were hands on his body, and suddenly he wasn't on Destiny any more. He was on an alien ship. They were touching him, probing him, holding him down. He attempted to get away from them, struggling as best as he could. He was smaller and weaker, but he wouldn't go down without a fight.

Everything was blurry, he couldn't see, couldn't hear nor understand what was going on. 

Two hands were holding him down. They shouldn't have been there.

He had never escaped from that ship, that had all been a dream. They would put him back in the tank. 

Two hands were moving over his body. Touching him, hurting.

They would hand him over to the Lucians. To torture him, to kick him and to laugh at him. 

His heart was hammering like crazy, trying to escape from his chest as if it was a caged bird. His mind was reeling. He couldn't escape.

But he had to.

"Rush!"

He had to escape.

"Rush, it's me!"

If he didn't, he was as good as dead. 

"Stop thrashing, damn it!"

Better off dead.

" I won't hurt you!"

And then, he was free. 

His breathing was unsteady, and it took him a moment to comprehend that he now rested against the railing. He blinked hard, trying to focus. Someone was hunched before him. After a third blink, his surroundings had finally cleared.

"Colonel Young?" He hated how small and hoarse was his voice.

The other man was kneeling in front of him, arms still outstretched and hovering, unsure of what to do, but his eyes were sharp and focused on Rush. 

"You OK there, genius?" 

Instead of answering, he tried moving again and hissed in pain, feeling stiff all over. He could see Young's hands darting in his direction. Over his dead body.

"No! Stay away! I'm fine!" He pressed himself harder against the railing. His hands were on fire, and he couldn't hold them close enough to hug himself, but he didn't need any help. He glared at the man, hoping to get his message across. 

No such luck. 

"Rush -"

"I said, I'm fine! What are you doing here anyway, colonel? Afraid I was doing something behind your back and had to stalk me even in the night?"

He knew, he sounded ridiculous, but the man was pushing his buttons even on the best of his days. Today wasn't such day.

"More like afraid, you would become hypothermic."

"What?!"

"You're welcome by the way."

"Did you hit your head? What are you talking about?"

The man pointed towards him without another word. Rush followed the finger and found himself looking at a dusty, black jacket. A uniform jacket currently wrapped around his shoulders. Colonel Young's name tag was visible on the front of it.

Huh. 

"What?" He whipped his head back to the colonel, realising the man had said something.

"I said that TJ should take a look at your hands." Young didn't seem to be put off by the fact that Rush didn't hear him the first time around.

"Why?"

Young just pointedly looked at him, making him furrow his brow. He really hated how slowly his mind was working right now. He followed the colonel's gaze that shifted downwards. His eyebrows rose at their own account upon seeing the mess. Well, that explained quite a lot of how he was currently feeling. 

He lifted his hands higher towards his face to inspect them. His bloodied knuckles and palms were covered in abrasions, but aside from that and the ruptured skin, they looked fine. He proceeded to move his fingers one by one, curling and uncurling them. Surprisingly nothing seemed to be broken, but he had to bit on his cheek as pain flared right up to his brain. 

He could take care of this himself. There was no need to drag lt. Johansen from her much needed sleep.

"I'm fine," he said instead, glaring at the other man.

"Sure you are."

He expected the colonel to stand up and leave, but instead, the man just moved to sit next to him at a respectful distance. For Young maybe, for Rush not so much. 

They sat like that for quite some time. Neither speaking nor moving. The hum of the ship moving in the hyperspace was the only sound they both could hear. Rush didn't realise that the constant ringing in his ears had almost stopped. He also wasn't shivering as bad as he recalled he had been. Young didn't ask to have his jacket back.

"I'm sorry about doctor Perry."

The man just had to break the silence. 

"If you were sorry, you would let me get her out from the quarantine, so don't waste your breath."

He had aimed to sound angry, but his voice lacked the usual spite. He was just so tired.

"You know why I had to do it. You're a scientist."

He couldn't stop himself. He laughed. An awful, hollow laugh filled with bitterness.

"That's right. A bloody calculating machine, that's what I am, am I not?"

"That's not - "

"Oh please, spare me the misery of listening to your false denial. It will save both of us time," he snarled. 

"Well, it's not false."

He snored.

"I know what they say, colonel. That it serves me right, that's no secret. I would be much happier if you all just left me the hell alone."

"God help me, Rush, but you make even less sense than usual." 

He shook his head in frustration. He wished Young would just fuck off and leave. Why was he telling him all this?

"I don't expect you to understand. You just can't."

This emptiness, this constant fear of failure, because you already had failed the people that needed you the most. 

The loss.

And the hole in your heart.

Surprisingly, Young whole posture seemed to stiffen at his words. The man slowly turned towards him with mouth set into a thin line.

"Oh, I can't, can I?"

The whole anger that had been building up in him since Young had opened his mouth for the first time had disappeared. 

Young understood. Of course, he did.

Rush had been stupid to think otherwise.

The colonel sighed and looked down on his hands. Rush risked a glance in his direction. There were dark circles under the man's eyes, and the lines in his face looked dipper than ever. Sitting slumped like that he didn't look as intimidating as usual. 

Yes, Young had lost someone too. And it wasn't just anybody.

"I'm sorry about your daughter." 

The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. Young's head snapped up and turned to him so fast to give any other man a whiplash. His mouth was slightly gaping open. If it had been any other situation, Rush would have enjoyed the look on the man's face. Not this time, though.

"How did you - "

He grimaced.

"Please, you would be insulting my intelligence if you thought I couldn't figure it out."

"Well," Young cleared his throat, looking very uncomfortable. "It's not like it matters now anyway."

Rush couldn't help himself - he snored and turned to the other man.

"If it didn't matter, would you be out here, colonel?"

"I suppose not." Young's voice was small and so unlike him that Rush had to stop himself from openly staring. 

Maybe it was the fact that he had enough of pretending not to care or maybe it was that they just had the longest conversation, without wanting to kill one another. Something had changed between them. It was subtle and in all probability would be gone in the morning, but now it was there. 

Rush found himself exhaling loudly as he rested his head back against the railing, and closed his eyes. He knew what the colonel was thinking. He had the same thoughts. 

"You didn't kill her, colonel. The Lucians did. Just as they did doctor Pery. It doesn't change the fact of how we feel, does it?"

Beside him, Young chuckled mirthlessly.

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for some time after that. Both lost in their thoughts. It was a weird feeling, Rush thought, to go from hating the man in one second to somewhat tolerate him in the next. 

"Rush, can I ask you something?" 

So much for more silence.

"If you must."

"What is a Kelpie? You kept mumbling the word when you were out."

He grimaced. He wasn't out, just sleeping. 

But a Kelpie? Why the hell was he talking about a Kelpie?

"A water spirit from Scottish folklore. It carries you into the water, then you drown. A stupid fairytale, to keep the children off the riverbanks."

Young looked as if he was thinking very hard over something or digging for information buried a long time ago, somewhere in his mind.

"Wasn't there something about one kid staying behind?" He asked after a moment. His brow still furrowed in thought. Rush nodded once, still not getting where the man was going with his questions.

"Usually." 

Young let out a breath he was holding.

"His loss."

Rush turned his head towards Young with confusion written all over his face.

"What?"

Young shrugged his shoulders and met his eyes. They were sparking with a hint of humour berry underneath the surface. The corner of the man's mouth was slightly lifted in a ghost of a smile. He looked pleased with figuring something out. 

"Just think about the things that those children were able to see and discover. The one staying on the bank sure missed a lot."

Rush snored.

"I don't think you got the point of the tale, colonel."

Young was still faintly smiling.

"I rather think I did."

Rush didn't answer, but for the first time, he didn't feel the everpresent irritation caused by colonel Young presence. He closed his eyes and stretched his legs in front of him. 

He was just so tired of fighting, but just maybe he wasn't the only one.  
It wasn't like they had any other place to be. As far as he was concerned, they would live and die on this ship, dragged into the unknown. 

Today had been a start. 

Rush didn't notice that he had stopped shivering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this at least 3 times as I couldn't get the tone right enough. It's still not 100% what I had in mind, I would love them to sit and properly talk everything through, but it wouldn't have worked out. Those two are in my opinion more alike than they can think of, and both of them are too proud and dense to admit it. I ended it with them finding some sort of understanding and having an opening to more civil interactions in the future. 
> 
> Just go and play chess and talk about your issues, the both of you!


End file.
